Friday, September 20, 2013


Today answers the question WHY. Why do I never lose weight? Why do I find it so difficult to stay grain and sugar free?

Because I go out to eat on a regular basis, and I allow myself one bite. One bite always leads to many, many more bites.

Mexican. Every Friday we go out to Mexican. I've tried changing the restaurant. I've tried not going. It's Friend's Night Out though, so not going week after week is not an option. I did pretty well for a while, resisting the chips, getting meals without the rice and bean sides. I ordered a meal without the rice and bean side today. I also ate far too many chips, then had fudge, then an ice cream when I got home. These were my choices, and nobody's fault but my own.

I think the real problem is I don't really know how much food I need on a daily basis. I started a Primal challenge yesterday. With it, I'm not so much counting calories, but I did start tracking my protein and carbs again. I couldn't help but notice I came in right about 1500 calories. Protein and carbs were both under the percentages I'd set. Of course, this is all relative and estimated. None of these numbers are hard and 100% accurate.

I went to bed last night a little hungry. Not starving, and I didn't wake up starving either. I did however wake up after only 5 hours, and couldn't get back to sleep. I wasn't thirsty. Just a little hungry. Just a small, niggling little hunger. Not enough to make me get out of bed, but apparently enough to keep me awake.

I finally got up around 6:30 and puttered around with my morning routine. Did some pushups. Got some laundry and dishes done. Got ready and left for work. I didn't eat until almost 10. Intermittent fasting is supposed to be good, according to the site I'm doing the challenge for. I agree with their reasoning, and even more with the "you're only supposed to eat when hungry" thought process. I wasn't trying to fast. I just wasn't really hungry.

Another problems is, I don't really know what hunger is. I think I do, but how can I be only slightly hungry overnight, into the morning, and not really hungry until 10am? Does really hungry feel like you need to eat now or you're going to be sick? Or your stomach is going to eat it's way out of you? Does it affect your head and sinuses? Does it go away when you drink water? Does it go away at all, if you ignore it? I sometimes feel something that might be hunger, but it might be something else entirely. I don't know what it is. It happens sometimes when I've recently eaten, so shouldn't be hunger. I interpret it as hunger though, which is why I'm so confused. I do know what REALLY hungry feels like. I don't know what just plain hunger is.

Unfortunately, letting myself get REALLY hungry creates a whole different set of problems. Today's problem didn't start when I let myself have a bite of chips. It started when I went through all the food I'd brought to work, about 2/3 the protein and carbs I'd allotted for the day, and I still wasn't satisfied. I never caught up from waiting until 10am to eat, or from not eating enough yesterday. I didn't necessarily feel hungry. I didn't necessarily feel full. I just wanted more... something. I'd avoided the donuts my manager brought in, but it only took a moment after noticing the candy bars in the coffee room to decide a dark chocolate candy bar was primal. Yeah, right. I suppose I should be happy I stopped at one candy bar.

I went through about 3/4 gallon of tea today, where normally I drink a full gallon or more. I was REALLY hungry and thirsty on the way home. I had a couple macadamias, then Superman and I walked the mile to the restaurant. I didn't even balk a little at the chips. I didn't think about it. I just dove in as soon as they were in front of me. Then I ate probably a full basket by myself. Then everything on my plate. The a piece of fudge. Then more chips. Then I bought ice cream on the way home, and ate all of that too.

So where did this slippery slope begin, and how do I catch the warning flags to prevent it from happening again? Should I have gone to the cafeteria for a burger or salad? Should I have drank more tea? I did not have any salad or veggies today, until dinner. That definitely would have been the better choice, over chocolate, chips, and ice cream. I don't know if it would have stopped the binge. Maybe. It probably would have resulted in a different type of binge, since I tend to eat everything on my plate. I've taken food home in the past though. I don't know where my right mindset left me.

I firmly believe primal is the answer for me. I've been overweight now for 20 years, and I know sugar free and grain free are the key. I just have to figure out how to convince the part of me that so often just doesn't care. The spoiled child in me that wants what I want, when I want it, damn the consequences and full speed ahead.
I don't know, Jillian. I don't yet have the answer to that why.

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